Cameras are Being Installed in our Home for the Dr Phil.....

I got a call today from Sheryl. They want to come tommorrow and install a couple cameras in our home to give them a better idea what is going on with Greg and I.

I am in utter disbelief. This kinda thing just doesnt happen. I guess there will be a camera in the kitchen dining room area and one in our bedroom. Two places we spend the most time at.

It is a little nerve racking to think of cameras in your home recording you. If this can bring help to our family anything would be worth it at this point.

I love my kids so much it hurts me so deeply to see the situation we have put them in...

I pray all the time maybe this is an answer to my prayers.

Dr. Phil Show..... Looking Really Good......

Today we were in constant contact with their team. Answering questions giving them all our information and more photos.

This is looking really good. They are really nice and seem to really want to help our family.

Exciting Crazy Day....

Okay so today I get a call from a (323) area code. I dont answer it in fear of it being a medical collection.

I get a call from Greg and he asks me what he heck is going on with the Dr. Phil Show. They called him on his cell phone!

I didnt even give them his number. He told me he talked with the producer and he was going to come home early so we could do a phone interview together with them this afternoon....

This is so unbelievable. I check my email and find an email requesting me to call Sheryl or Beth the producers. I call and talk with them and ask how they got Greg's cell phone number. I was told they are "Paramount" Pictures! Crazy!

Sheryl and Beth were extremely nice and warm and funny to talk to. They really seemed interested in our family.

I am praying with all my heart that this could be a gift of hope for our family.

Dr. Phil ----- Emailed More Photos....

The producer emailed me again with more questions and requesting more pictures...

This is CRAZY!!! I havent even had a chance to tell Greg yet. I havent hardly seen him. I was tired last night I forgot when he got home.

Another Tough Day.... with a Strange Twist.....

Today was tough day. It started out bad. Greg and I fighting over money and the lack of it....

I dont know what we are going to do.... The kids and I ate top roman all weekend long, literally while he ate out all weekend long down in San Diego. I am so upset and angry. We have $40.00 in our checking account and his Mom gives him $100. and he spends almost $30 eating out last night.

The kids and I have been with so little food eating almost only top roman for three days straight.

I am boiling inside.....


Now for the strange part.....

I got an email from the Dr. Phil show. They asked a few questions and want me to email them a bunch of photos of our family...

Kinda crazy, uh? I emailed them some pictures. Well see what happens. I never expected to get a response.

Life has to get better, each day that passes puts me and the kids one step closer to a happier better time...

Sleepness Night........ Awake with my mind racing.....

I couldnt sleep last night. I went to the Dr. Phil website in the middle of the night. It was kinda strange there was a flashing thing saying housing market ruined you financially, marriage in trouble.

I clicked on it and typed a small summary of our story. I dont know why really... Never done anything like that before.

It is so hot and so uncomfortable.... I keep putting the girls in a cold bath to cool them off. I miss air conditioning.... I cant afford to have my electric bill a dollar higher so it wont be coming on....

Bad Day.... No Hope... Desparate for Change.....

Today has just been a bad day. Greg is in San Diego for the weekend working with his friend. Greg is showing his friend open houses for sale in the area.

Things are tense and uncomfortable between us. There is no money. We have very little food to eat in the house. Tonight several neighbors all pitched in for pizza hut. I had to take my kids inside and eat a Cup of Noodles in 90 degree weather. It was hard. Brandan understands and wont push. The girls dont understand. Where are house sits we are right in the middle on both sides of our neighbors. Our driveway is the meeting place for everyone.

The Ice Cream man came around shortly later to top it off, again my kids were the only ones not able to get the ice cream. They were so good about it. I think the better they are the more it hurts my heart.

I am so frustrated. I want to just go out and get a job. I cant without Greg's help. I need him to watch the kids. I want so badly to get a job in the evening. Greg is not supportive of the idea. We have been fighting about it for the last couple months. He thinks it will bring chaos to our lives..... HELLO..... our life is already chaotic....

Feeding our family is a priority and having basic utilities is a need. I am so frustrated and so sad inside....

I am very unhappy and very overwhelmed. I feel like a failure and I feel like my kids deserve better than this, than me as a mom.....

Grateful for My Wonderful Neighbors....

I woke up last night again throwing up violently in the bathroom The stress is eating me up. It is getting harder and harder to function. I hardly recognize myself when I look in the mirror. I miss laughing. I used to be happy.

Our neighbors and friends have been wonderful. The kids loving playing out front in the late afternoon. It is cooler outside and our house is so hot. Our neighbors come out and all the kids play. It is a nice break from reality sometimes. Sometimes I find it really hard to come out and put a happy face on and pretend like I am okay when really inside I feel like the biggest loser and I have failed my 4 kids whom I love the most in this world. There are days it is hard to pick my head up.

Sell, Sell, Sell... Urgency is Huge....

I am in a major panic today. I need to sell things fast and make enough money to pay our electric and to put some gas in Greg’s car and buy some groceries.

Cabinets are getting bare. I cant believe how much Brandan is eating. He just turned 13 and is growing so fast right now. He constantly tells me he cant get “full”. He is always hungry.

Today’s gratitude is being thankful for the .99 cents store. It has changed our life. My family is able to eat better and have more food to eat. Cooking all three meals a day is so much work not buying convience high cost food.

I make a box of pancake/waffle mix ($1.24 at Walmart) and can make 25 big thick waffles. Yes it take over an hour to do it. I then feed my kids and put 2 in a Ziploc bag and freeze them. One of my kids favorites in the morning was Eggos Waffles. Cant afford those now. I freeze the left over waffles and pull them out and put them in the toaster like Eggos. They are incredible good, I think they are even better! My kids love them!

I am working all afternoon on going thru the house and listing things on Craigslist and Ebay.

Wish Me Luck… I need it!

Huge Blow Out, Worn Out and Overwhelmed....

I have been working non stop for the last 24 hours. I have gotten enough money together for the electric bill. The tension between Greg and I is big. He is so frustrated at the situation. I don’t know how he expects it to be different. He is bringing in from his draw, $800 every 2 weeks. He has to drive all around for his job. Gas is killing us. His cell phone is expensive for his job and he also has to have wireless connection for his laptop for his job. He is spending $1000. of the money he is bringing in on his work expenses. Leaving us with $600 for utilities, food, gas, and medication. Medication alone is close to $200. a month.

It is incredibly stressful. He gets angry and it comes off at me. I am so frustrated. We have had a ongoing issue that is a continuous fight. I want to get a job in the evening to help us. He is not supportive of it. He thinks it will bring chaos to our life. HELLO… Not having enough money to keep lights on and to feed our kids is more chaos than any job could be.

I feel so frustrated and stuck. I need him to be on board. I cant afford to hire someone to watch the kids.

We just had a bad blow out. It just leaves me feeling sad and empty inside. I feel so worn out and so emotionally overwhelmed. I am really scared. Brandan told me this morning he is scared and that he just tries to hide it. It breaks my heart. I have let him down and have brought so much stress and chaos into his innocent life. He should only be concerned about being a teenager not all this other stuff.

A Good Day...

My kids had so much fun today at the pool. I have missed seeing them smile so much. I also had a great time. It was nice to be “out” and be free of all the “stress” and “worries” being in the house generates.

My kids never enjoyed the pool like they did today. There are many positive things that have come from this incredible hard journey. I appreciate all the small things that were over looked before. Brandan really understands the concept of money and appreciates everything that comes his way whereas before it would have gone unnoticed.

My girls were so thankful today. On the way home Jayde told me thank you over and over and told me how much fun she had.

It gave me a warm feeling inside. I have missed them so much. I am thankful for today.

Torn... Between Two Important Needs....

Things only seem to continue to get worse and any hope that is there is fading fast. I feel so sad and so overwhelmed with guilt over my kids. Every day I am working so hard on just surviving and making money it is consuming me. My kids especially my girls ask me daily are we going to do something fun today. They want to go to the park the pool. I am taking them to the pool tomorrow for the first time this summer. In Orange County especially where we live there are many communities pool that are free.

My kids are very excited. It hasn’t been much of a summer so far. Greg is not happy with me taking the kids tomorrow. I “should” be working around the house working on making money. The kids have needs too. I cant always put them aside. I was never that kind of mom. I love to play with them, I used to enjoy it so much.

I have four days to figure out how to come up with enough money to pay our electric bill or it will get shut off. Maybe I should stay home. I am torn. My kids are going stir crazy being in the house all day.

Things have got to get better, someway. I find myself praying many times every day.

The Real Story of the Everyday Life of a Orange County Family Struggling to Keep Everything but Losing it All....

I lay awake at night most nights unable to sleep. My heart races and pounds hard in my chest. I constantly feel like I have a "race" going on inside of me. The anxiety, the stress brings panic attacks that last sometimes for hours. I feel like a complete failure. I have failed my kids, my responsibilities. I sit and think of the road and the path my life has taken and the choices and hardships my family have endured. There are days it is a struggle to get up and face the day and put a "smile" on my face and pretend everything is going to be okay for my kids. This is a real story of a good family who is on the brink of losing everything.

Six years ago we were making a great income. My husband Greg and I are in the mortgage industry. I have worked in this field for the past sixteen years. Life was good. We had a son Brandan seven years old at the time and just had a baby girl Logan. We purchased our home in October of 2002. First home for both of us. Life was great. We were working hard doing mostly mortgage refinances. We took a lot of pride in the loans and the service we gave our borrowers. It paid off for us. We lived by personal attention and taking care of the customer and building relationships. We took great pride in it. Eventually it became all our business repeat and referral. We choose to make less money on a deal and build the relationship with the customer.
There are a lot of loan sharks that took advantage of alot of people and did alot of bad loans.

We moved into the new house and worked slowly to furnish it and make it our own. We were extragtravegate. Our home stayed pretty bare for a long time.

We were blessed to find out we were expecting another baby shortly after the first Christmas in the new house. Work, family, kids were all going great, we were so blessed and so thankful for the blessings we had.

Our 2nd daughter Jayde was born 2 months premature. She was not sucking and swallowing right in the womb. I was huge! I was struggling to breathe easy because of all the extra fluid. They drained two 2 liters of fluid from my belly. They gave me steriods to mature Jayde's lungs. They were going to have to induce labor because the flood would reaccumlate in a couple days making it hard for me to get air and breathe. The fluid was so excessive it was not allowing me to breathe without a pant and my lungs were working so hard to get air. Not a good situation.

We had faith in God and prayed for Jayde the night before they induced labor. It was quite a scary time for our family. Jayde was also in a breech position. They were going to try to perform a transversion and rotate her. Logan was only ten months. They were going to be 12 months apart. We thought that was close, imagine 10 months apart!

The delivery went well and Jayde's lungs were mature enough to breathe on her own. It was a very different birth of a baby. Not being able to hold your baby and having your new baby rushed away. It was hard.

I could probably go on for hours of all we our family endured in the next two years with Jayde's health problems and many many surgeries. I will try to sum them up in a few paragraphs.

Jayde struggled to thrive from birth. She was unable to gain weight and was very weak. We were constantly in the hospital. At three months old they palced a feeding tube in her tummy. She was throwing up all she was intaking. Unfortately that did not help Jayde. She continued to throw up the food thru the tube. It is hard to put into words what our family was going thru. Doctors, Doctors, Doctors, Tests and they were struggling to figure out what was wrong with Jayde. She was not gaining any weight and not growing. She was very frail and thin.

The nights were sleepless. Jayde was in constant pain with severe reflux. A cry I will never forget. A cry of pain. It was the worst feeling of helpless a mom could feel. Greg and I switched off every hour of nighttime duty. It is hard to imagine but literally Jayde did not sleep more than 15 to 20 minutes at a time. She had to constantly eat because she retained so little nutrients with throwing up so much.

We struggled with trying to find the time or energy to work. We relied on our savings and set up a home office to work out of. We were living day by day. Jayde was getting sicker. She was fighting for life.

Jayde's first Christmas was a bare memory. I cant remember Brandan or Logan's gifts or even Christmas day.

We had a nurse come to our home 3 times a day to weigh her, check blood pressure, tempature. It was scary. I can remember very clearly watching Greg give her a bath and sit and cry because she was a bag of bones. 5lbs and six months old. I prayed and prayed and our community was so supportive and had Jayde on several pray chains. The doctors couldnt figure out what was wrong with her. She passed every test ok, metabolic, genetic, cystic fibrose. They were stumped.

January was a real turning point. Jayde was very close to dying. Her body was now unable to maintain her temparture. We had to constantly check it. Race to put blankets in the dryer to heat, hot bath, place the heater on the max setting and bundle her up to bring her temparture up. She was so thin she had no fat and her skin was paper thin. She struggled to move her arms, she was so physically weak.

We were starting to max out certain parts of our insurance. Being self employed is a down side to health insurance. Unfortunately the insurance company does not care about a single family unlike a corporation. The insurance company was also raising our monthly payments.

It is hard to explain the emotional stress and the financial stress of liquidating our savings. The hardship was felt on all of us. Brandan's needs were put on hold alot. Logan barely knew me. She would not come to me at all. I was the one who stayed with Jayde in the hospital. We were in the hospital so much. In and out, in and out.

January 20, 2005 was a day that saved Jayde's life. Jayde was very, very, gravely ill. She was becoming unresponsive to touch and sound and was incredibly weak. Our primary care doctor really saved her life. He told us to get an attorney. He was tired of fighting with the specialists who just kept dismissing my daughter and had gave up on her. We got one that afternoon and all that evening our doctor worked with the chief of staff at CHOC hospital and at 10 oclock that night we got a call from our doctor saying they were going to place a tube in her neck out her chest and feed her thru her blood stream where she was unable to throw up the nutrients. They were going to give her a special tpn treatment that was used for aids and cancer patients to help her gain weight. She flat lined twice during the surgery. She fought hard for her life. She inspired us by her strength and her will.

This hospital stay I would not come home or leave the hospital for 6 weeks. There is so much struggle and stress of this time to much to type.

They discoved Jayde had a large heital hernia. The largest for a baby her size is what we were told. That is a structural defect. Half her stomache was above her espohasgus. That is why she threw up all her intake.

They were preparing her for the next major surgery. They were planning on taking half her stomache and tying it around in a know around her esposgagus. That would make it where she would be unable to ever throw up or even burp. It was the only way to save her life. The surgery was successful the hard times were not over. It took several months for her body to adapt to her new digestive system. If you over fed her she would bead with sweat and her temparure would rise as a way to relief herself. It was scary. She had no concept of food, prior to this surgery she had to eat constantly 24/7 to survive.

Okay this is longer than I thought to explain. It is hard to sum it up. Jayde had maxed out alot of her medical policy. She had several more different kind of hernias come up that had to be surgically taken care. We had not really worked since her birth. Our savings were depleted. We decided to refinance our home and pull cash out to pay for her medical expenses and to pay for her therapy. She was placed in extensive therapy. She had not developed with the lack of strength and ability being so sick.

Our expenses at the time were high as well. Everything was "convience". I did not have the time to cook I was taking care of a sick daughter and trying to bond with my other daughter who barely knew me and trying to love and nuture my son. It was very difficult. Greg and I were close to divorce upon me leaving the hositpal after a six week stay. Looking back it was the stress of everything and the lack of sleep and the separation of not being together. I have always been a bargain shopper and not even a "mall" shopper. The first place I look is the clearance rack.

Jayde weighed in at exactly 10 lbs on her 1st birthday finally able to fit into 0-3 month clothing out of the premmie clothes. It was a big celebration for us. It was hope. Hope we had not had in a very long time.

We mangaged to get thru the next 8 months on the money we pulled out of our home and started to rebuild our business. Our savings were completely wiped out. Our medical policy continued to rise each quarter. It grew to be over $1800 a month in the next 3 years, with alot of Jayde's policy maxed out or changed.

Jayde had to have 6 more surgeries over the next two years. We had to pay a great portion of each of those surgeries.

We were blessed with another baby girl Savannah 18 months after Jayde was born. She has been a gift of god. She brought our family back together and healed us as one. There were no first smiles, laughs, etc with Jayde it was a fight for survival for life.

I also had endured my own physical hardships in the last few years. I have had 6 surgeries in the last four years one of which was stage four cervical cancer. We paid 20 percent for my surgeries out of pocket.

We had to refinance our home one more time to help with the medical costs. I dont think we had a lot of other choices at the time. Your health, your family is really in the end all you have.

The year after Savannah was born everything was great the worst was put behind us. We were happy. Life felt good, really good. It felt incredible to "relax" and not be in panic mode. We were rocking and rolling in our business and building great relationships with our borrowers and making a difference. It felt great. Money was rolling in. The mortgage balance on our home was not even a concern we were enjoying "living". Jayde was doing incredible, a true miracle from God. She was catching up and thriving.

Here is where our biggest and worst mistake would come. We were making the making the money we borrowed againist our house back and we took the money and bought a boat. A activity our whole family could do together. We were building our savings back and working hard. Business was great. Looking back in hind sight is easy. We had just been thru hell and back and it clouded our judgement in a big way. What we should have done is pay back our mortgage and reduced our balance and lowered our monthly payment to where it was originally.

2006 was a great year. Family, kids were all thriving and doing good. Greg and I were at a good spot in our marriage. October 2006 Jayde had to have another surgery again we had to pay a large sum out of pocket. In November 2006 I learned I had stage four cervical cancer and had to have surgery to remove the cancer. It took some time to recover, we had to put work on hold and take care of the health issues Jayde and I were having. Late December I threw my knee completely out and had to have reconstructive surgery. In three short months we had just spent $44,000 out of pocket medical expenses. That was coming into the year 2007 when the market would crash hard.

The $44.000 would come from our liquidating our savings account. Leaving us unprepared for the fall that was about to happen in the mortage industry.

The market took such a fast hard fall it was hard to react. We found ourselves liquidating our stocks on a low as the stock market was down, just to survive.

We really faced problems when we were unable to pay our property taxes November 2006 (from using our savings for the surgeries) our lender paid the past due amount and impounded our account and paid the April 2007 taxes due. Our mortgage payment went up$1800 with a 45 day notice. Going from $4000 to $5800. Our medical insurance policy also continued to rise.

We were making very little money. The industry was changing guidelines daily. We were working harder than ever to fund the loans we had and to create new business and to help our exsisting customers. April of 2007 I took on a job of caring for another family. Two boys and a dad who I took care of when Brandan was a baby for four year. Their mom passed away a couple years ago of cancer.

It was crazy for me. I would get up and go to their home and make breakfast and take the boys to school rush home and take my son to school, rush back and get the girls ready for preschool. I cooked all their meals, did all their grocery shopping, deep cleaned their home daily, washed and folded all their laundry. I would come home after I cooked their dinner and cleaned up and cook my dinner and clean up all over again. I also took my kids with me while I was doing all this. It was like over night I had gotten another husband, two more kids and another house to care for. I was grateful for the job. I completely love and adore the boys. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I was desparate to make money. I made $400 a week that was keeping the utilities going and food on the table. Greg was home trying to get loans. With the market changing and the home values declining so fast he was not successful in making enough money.

We started to default on our mortage six months after the impounded payment took place. We sold our boat. We had lived on one car for a couple years and bought a 10 year old Honda Civic. I gave back my suburban with four months remaining on the lease. We bought an 5 year old Ford Expedition. We were losing the life style we had and the luxeries we had in life quickly.

Another big mistake was Greg not getting another job faster. This is a sore subject for us. I was working literally 16 hours a day with no relief for months.

As we were defaulting on our mortage and becoming late we applied for a hardship and a forebeance agreement modification. At this time the mortgage companies were not staffed to handle all the applications they were receivig. It took 6 months for them to assign us a negiotator to our account. The work up plan they came up with was unrealistic for our situation. We were struggling to feed our kids to keep the lights on. Coming into 2008 it became really clear to me that things had to change fast. Greg had to get a job with benefits and be in a position to make money. I was selling items on Ebay and working for the family. I couldnt do more and we were having our electric turned off, water shut off, etc.

I stayed up late one night and applied all over for Greg. Major banks, loan originators. He immediately started to get phone calls and went out interviewing. He got a job with a big bank and started working there April 1st 2008.

He would get a "forgivable draw" first 90 days and insurance would start 30 days. Hope faintly appeared again. In the last year we had charged up $8000 in credit card debt just surviving. We had borrowed money from my father. My Dad saw how hard I was working and has been extremely supportive. My whole family has, my friends, my neighbors. It has been incredible. They have witnessed what we have gone thru in the last five years since Jayde was born. Jayde amazes so much. I still look at her and feel inspired. I hear her laugh today and no lie each time it truly makes me appreciate every day with her knowing how close we were to losing her.

In June we were considering doing a short sale on our home and leaving it behind us. The bank approved it especially with all the medical hardship our family has endured. We dont have the house listed yet but we are working on getting the house ready for it being listed and holding an open house.

Now you know why I sit here and feel like the weight of the world is on my shouders. Greg and I are not in a good spot. There is alot of tension between us. The kids have been great with all the changes. They have been hard, escpecially for Brandan. There are times we eat top roman for 2 meals of the day. I am unable to buy the healthier foods my kids are used to. Milk was manadotory at meal time it is used sparling. With gas prices so high. I am unable to drive very much.

I miss so much of my life that I have lost. I have lost my life style, our boat, our car, our freedom in a sense, my marriage, our home, air conditioning it gets so hot. We have been puting the all the mattress down stairs to sleep where it is cooler at night. What I miss most of all is my kids. I miss them so much it hurts. Sure I see them everyday, I am hardly present. I am so consumed with stress and worry I dont enjoy them. I miss the time I have lost with them. I feel like I have lost a year them in a way.

I used to be the mom who was on the floor playing, outside playing with them. I laughed with delight with them I miss feeling happy inside. I am so unhappy it hurts. I feel like I have failed my kids. I cant provide for them. I can barely feed them. I let them down and it hurts me to my core. Some bad judgement on our part is making my kids suffer and pay in the worst way. My marriage would not be where it is today with the big threat of our family splitting up. Our kids to suffer. It makes me sick to my stomache. I wake up many nights physically throwing up. It happens often at least once a week. The night time is the worst it is quiet I am left with only my thoughts (really my worries and my heart ache over the position I let myself get into and the hardships my kids are going thru)

I feel worthless right now.