Christmas Night... Thankfulness...

Christmas morning was filled with excitement and happy tears. We were blessed five times over from the local small groups from our church.

We had a wonderful Christmas. It was filled with lots of laughing, smiling and happy tears. It is so good to see my kids filled with happiness again.

We went to a late night church service last night and it really struck a cord in each of us. The girls had talked about several times today. Our faith is helping keep our focus on the blessings we do have and keep focused on God's plan for our family.

I strongly believe God brought Loral and her Live Out Loud team into our life with a purpose to help our family.

I am so ready to get my Cash Machine Rocking! I want to put this year 2008 behind me and move on and start an awesome 2009! I am going to make 2009 my most successful year!

More Unexpected Christmas Blessings....

I am so filled with gratidude right now. I went to bed early tonight because I have been so sick. I got what Jayde had and it hit hard on my body. While laying in bed I hear about 20 loud knocks on our door. I got up kinda scared and told the kids to stay in bed and go to the front door and slowly open the door...

As the door opened I see my porch covered in bags of presents for my family. I walk out front only to find no one. My kids come running out screaming in such excitement... It was like Santa delivered early for our family... We bring in the bags and pull out all the presents. The presents were all neatly labled.

Along with the bags of presents was a beautiful note for our family. We were adopted from a small group from our church. A group whom knew all we had gone thru with Jayde and all we have been thru with losing our jobs and our home...

What a gift from god. It ended up being a late night with the kids. They organized the presents several times over under the tree. It was a beautiful night. What a blessing. I am so thankful. Our apartment is filled with Christmas excitement! The days our now counting down to Christmas!

Unexpected Christmas Blessings...

I was prepared for a extremely bleak Christmas for my children. We came home one night and had a Christmas tree on our door step. It was so special...

My kids were lit up with excitement. I wasn't sure we were going to be able to get one this year with our financial situation. We brought the tree in and decorated it. It was amazing...

There was a note on the tree saying "Merry Christmas, Holley Family"...

I feel blessed.

Trying to Overcoming Obstacles....

This past week Jayde my middle daughter has been very sick with a severe case of bronchitis. We have been to the doctor three times this past week. She is breathing treatments along with two different types of steroids. My other three kids have coughs but nothing major.
Jayde missed the complete last week of school before Christmas Vacation. She even missed her and Logan's Holiday Performance for school. Logan and Jayde are both in the same class in kindergarten.

Jayde being sick and needing so much time and attention and love it has been making it hard to get anything done. I am feeling so confined and stuck. I am overwhelmed with all that I know I need to be doing and all that I am not doing with my Cash Machine. I am losing momentum by the day. I need to find my fire again and move forward. I need to find away around the obstacles that come up in my life. I have a phone call into my Live Out Loud coach. I need direction and guidance thru this time and get me back on my feet.

Patience, Patience, Patience....

This past week I have focused on getting my family settled into the apartment. Trying to comfort my children and make them feel safe. Trying to make life normal again for them. The weather has added to the gloomy feeling in the apartment.

I have been busy unpacking and still cant find so much of what I need. We moved in such a hurry. I moved a large majority of our things by myself while Greg was either at work or watching the kids. With the lack of sleep I cant remember where I placed things.

My feet our still hurting but hopefully in another week or two with some time off of them they will heal. Three more weeks I will get my cast off of the one foot.

Patience. Patience. Patience. I am realizing I am having to be patience with everything in my life so it seems right now. My kids without question. A few hours cooped in the apartment and they all start to go stir crazy! Their emotions are running high as well with all that has gone on in the past few months.

Patience with my living space as far as being organized and settled in and feeling comfortable. Patience with my Cash Machine and all that I need to do and get done on it. I am realizing I am human and can only do so much in a day no matter how hard I push.

Patience, Patience, Patience is what my life is about right now...

Finally Completely Moved Out... Emotionally Broken...

I have been up all night working in the rain finishing the last of the move. This has been one of the hardest experiences I have ever endured. The emotional toll it has taken has been very hard.

I am relieved to be out of the house and relieved to be able to build from here. The way I look at it I can only go up from here. I think I am at rock bottom. I have sank... Now is the time to put myself back together and pull myself up and move forward.

I will be working on settling in this week. Getting things unpacked enough to function. I also just got Brandan thru finals his trimester is over now. With Greg working so many hours and me trying to move by myself with four kids and their school, I have not been able to put any time into my cash machine.

I am losing momentum and need to get with my Live Out Loud coach after this week and get myself refocused and back on track with my cash machine.

Our First Night in the Apartment...

Tonight is our first night in the apartment. We are still not complete out of the house yet. The rain has slowed it down and has made it a bit more challenging. We did rent a uhual and it has helped.

Apartment is small and cozy. Brandan said tonight it feels like we are staying at a hotel not a home. It just doesn't feel like home. I told him it will just take time and once we get settled in and things organized and set up it will help make it more "homey". Kids are all pretty sad. Girls are confused and don't understand why we are moving.

I am looking forward to being able to put my focus and energy into moving forward and building my cash machine and putting this behind me and making a new path. This is exhausting both mentally and physically. I am wiped out.

Time is Ticking... Need to Work Faster and Harder....

I am so tired, my body hurts in every way possible. My feet are killing me. I have worked all weekend long packing and moving. We were supposed to be done and out of the house today. We needed to have all things gone and the house completely cleaned. We sill have about a quarter of our stuff left in the house. It is really hard moving from 2000 square feet to 1100 square feet, from double garage to single garage.

It is such a timely process going thru everything decided what to keep what to give away. It has been a long time since we last moved. Seven years and three more kids later. Everything takes longer because of my feet. I have a walking boot on one and a cast on the other. They are both swollen and very sore.

This weekend has been emotionally hard on everyone. For the kids the reality is setting in. It is hard, it hurts. My heart is sad and wish I could make things different. Our neighbors whom we are very close with are sad, which makes it harder.

We fortunately have been blessed with one more week to have everything out and the house cleaned. The realtor has been very understanding with the circumstances and the obstacles I am facing with my feet.

Right now I just cant wait to be Free, from this house. I just want it done. I have not been able to put any work into my cash machine. I am keeping the mind set of creating cash. Selling what I can.

A big storm is coming, big for Southern California. :) We are on Storm Watch 2008.... It is funny watching how dramatic the news reports on it. This is going to make the rest of moving, difficult.

We are going to rent a UHUAL to help move things faster. It is taking to long loading up my expedition and making mini trips back and forth. We don't have the time. I cant wait to be done and moved in and settled to be able to put my energy and focus back into my cash machine. I know I have a lot to do and people are counting on me. Work harder, work faster and work smarter!

A Different Kind of Thanksgiving, Still a Time to be Thankful for all the Blessings in Life....

So today is Thanksgiving. Traditionally my family and I go to my Mom's home for Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is actually one of my favorite holidays. It is simple. A time to gather with the ones you love and a time to be thankful for the blessing in your life.

I should also point out I love all the food, too! This year I am home alone packing with my two broken feet while my family is at my mom's home enjoying Thanksgiving. My kids need the break from the house and the stress it holds right now. We have so much work to do and so little time. I am feeling a major amount of stress. I am averaging 3 to 4 hours sleep a night and I still cant get caught up and get all that needs to be done.

Sadly, I am selling our piano tomorrow. The guys will be here in the morning to pick it up. It is added to a long list of thing I loved that are now gone. It is necessary the apartment is small and the money is needed. Out of all we have lost or sold, I miss my wedding ring the most. I still have the setting but I sold the diamond. We needed the money it actually made our mortgage payment while we were trying to save the house and put food on the table.

I gave away six more bags of things today to other families in need. I cant express how good it feels to help others. It really has helped me in not focusing on what I am losing or have lost but seeing how much I do have and how blessed our family is. I have a lot to be thankful for this year. I sit here feeling overwhelmed with gratitude for Loral and the whole Live Out Loud team and the Live Out Loud Community. What a blessing. Writing in to the Dr. Phil show last July, out of complete desperation I could have never imagined the blessing coming into my life a few weeks later, Loral Langemeier.

I know how lucky my family is to have Loral in our life. It is like winning the lottery. I also know there are many families that are in similar situations as mine, Loral can help you. Loral is real and what she teaches is not rocket science. She has broken it down to a simple format and teaches real people, like me, like you how to thrive and make cash in any kind of market or situation. I feel so much gratitude and feel so lucky, I just want to spread the word and help other families like mine.

I am also thankful for my family and all the love and support I have gotten especially from my parents. I am most thankful for our kids and how well they have handled this past year. I cant forget to add that I am very thankful to have a home for my family to move into!

I hope you take the time to reflect on the blessings you have in your life and if you are in a financial crisis or want to change your financial position I urge you to check out Loral at Liveoutloud.com. It is quite an amazing experience.

Another Bump in the Road....

I am embarrassed to type this but I just got home from the Emergency Room again. I was walking out the front door to put a back of toys and clothes I was giving away, when Bam! I shattered my other foot on the same sprinkler head, three weeks to the day from the first one. I have lived there seven years and have never ran into that sprinkler head before. This time I not only shattered the toe but also the top part of my foot.

At the Emergency Room I had the same doctor who couldnt help but have a good laugh. Heck, I was laughing. Unbelievable. So today I have a blue walking cast on my left foot and a black boot cast on my right foot.

This might make the moving process a little slower and a little more challenging.

Only another small bump in the road, right?

The Great Gift of Giving....

I decided to help me focus on all that I do have and not all that I am losing and have lost that I should put my focus on giving to others that have less than me. It has been incredible.

I have been posting things in the "free" section on Craigslist for families in need. I have so many new or barely used toys and clothes from my Ebay store that we don't need. I have been able to help so many people in the last couple days. It has been incredible. I have had people I didn't know hug me with tears in their eyes with gratitude. I never expected giving to others would be the gift I give myself.

I have donated half of the kids books to children who don't have the resources to have them. I found a children's cancer hospital to donate a huge amount of toys to. That meant alot to me because everything we went thru with Jayde, being in the hospital so much with her.

Helping others just feels good. It brings warmth and happiness to your heart. It really has taken me out of my own personal sadness over what I am losing and have lost.

I write this post tonight feeling really good inside. I have done good and you know what it feels good!

I want to make my life have a purpose. I am starting to see the clear path God has for me. A path I would not have seen without going thru all the hardship. I feel blessed and grateful for all that I have.

I feel so unbelievably grateful for Loral and her team and this huge opportunity to turn our family around.

A Small Bump in the Road

Late last night I couldn't take it anymore. I went to the E.R. for my toe. I have a bone infection. The discoloration was spreading up my foot. My whole foot was hot to the touch. I got a shot of antibiotics and some pain medicine. It is already starting to feel better, the toe is still pretty broken. It has almost been three weeks.

I cant lose focus on what I need to do and what I have to get done. I need to keep moving forward with packing and getting rid of stuff for the move and I need to finish my webinar and keep working on my cash machine and building my team.

Garage Sale Day..... Hit my Goal!

Today we had our garage sale. It was a success. I am so tired right now, I have not slept, I have been up all night long working on the garage sale.

We made over $700 today! It felt great. Making money just feels good. This money will help alot with our move. It is much needed.

The day before the Cash Machine I broke my toe really bad in 3 places. I basically shattered the bone. I was running and ran into a sprinkler head by my front door and split in between my toes and shattered one. I am not the most coordinated girl. I am so accident prone it is ridiculous!

I have not let it heal really. I have been on it non stop working on everything. It is killing me today. It is taking me away from my joy from the money we made. My toe is very discolored and very swollen. I might have to go to the E.R. and have it checked out. Not good. I don't have time for any injuries.

Despite my toe, I am really excited to have made my goal and a couple hundred more! Yahoo!

Getting Ready for Garage Sale....

I have been busy with working on my cash machine in the evenings and working on going thru each room of the house and clearing out what we dont need to sell in the garage sale we are having this Saturday and Sunday.

I personally hate holding garage sales but it is much needed a great way to make extra cash, which is the key. The kids are hiding their things afraid I am going to sell it. I have sold so many things in the last six months on Ebay and Craigslist that I have them a little worried. It makes me sad but I know in the end they dont need so much stuff and we surely could use the money to help provide for them.

Things are really setting in as the days are numbered in our home. I just keep telling to focus on what needs to be down and worry about the emotional end later.

I am hoping to make at least $500 dollars this weekend. I have alot of work in the next two days to pull this garage sale together to have it be successful. Alot of sorting and pricing.

The Power of Money and the Power of Hard Work with Direction.... Changes Things....

Tonight I am reflecting on this past week since I went to the Cash Machine. It has been an incredible week, it truly has. What a gift I have been given with Loral and her team. I have direction and a path to take.

This week has brought alot of changes in my life. Top of the list is my family wont be homeless. That is pretty big. :)

This past week has helped me find myself again and begin to feel good and start a healing process. I feel different inside today than I did a week ago. I think I had become numb in a sense in alot of ways. My neighbors and friends tell me often how good I am holding up with all that has happened to our family and how strong Iam and how positive I am.

I am positive by nature but the other two things I think are a joke, they just don't see what is really going on inside of me. I have been crumbling inside, I don't feel strong, I have felt weak. I have felt like a failure. I have felt like I have failed and let down the people I love the most, my children. We as parents are given a beautiful gift of life. (You could say I have been very blessed by having four kids) They look to us for guidance and to teach them wrong from right. We were supposed to be better than this. To watch your children lose their home to foreclosure not just your home but their home and not understand why weighs so heavily on my heart. In their eyes I have seen their fears and their worries. I wish I could say they don't know what is going on and that I have protected them from all of this.

Working towards rebuilding and starting my Cash Machine having "hope" for our future this past week has made me feel good inside. I have worked really hard this past week and it feels great. I am starting to feel good about me again.

Looking back on this past week I also notice the difference in Greg and I. The tension that was so intense between us at times is gone today. The money I made at the Cash Machine Workshop I think relieved both of our minds. That was a huge pressure off of us. Greg has also been helping me out more with the kids and house so I can have the time to work. Which then creates the feeling in me that he believes in me and knows I can make this happen with my Cash Machine.

What a week.... Alot of Powerful Changes....

Plan of Action in Place... TEAM....TEAM...TEAM.... Lesson is Being Learned....

I spoke with my coach yesterday. That was incredibly helpful. We restructured my schedule and came up with a game plan together.

I need to hire an assistant to help me with some of the clerical time consuming things. This is hard for me to do. I get stuck on not having the money to do so. I need to move pass this and just do it. I will be making more money if I have more time and outsource and delegate some of the more time consuming clerical things.

Loral is big on this, she talked about it alot at the Cash Machine Workshop. TEAM... Having a great team behind you is a huge part of your success. The lone rangers struggle and never take off....

I don't want to be the lone ranger. I want to take off and make a lot of money! I am going to work on finding a assistant today. We also came up with how to launch my Cash Machine and how to manage all the new business I got from the workshop.

My coach is so full of knowledge, it is awesome. For example I need my web page done.
I bought the domain name on Go Daddy. "MarketingwithPower.Com" I was going to set up the page myself and learn as I go.

I don't have the money to hire someone to do it but I have a great idea of how I want it to look. She told me to design it and create the layout and do the web design myself and then just hire a web programmer someone with the software.

Here is the part I struggle with, spending money when I dont have it. My coach broke it down for me like this; I will save many hours working on it and save hundreds of dollars by designing the website myself and hire a programmer to build it. If I were to spend hours and hours trying to build it myself I would be losing money for the hours lost that I could be working making money so it is really just like spending money. TEAM.... That is becoming more and more clear.

This is why you need a LOL coach.... You cant do it alone.... Build a TEAM of support to help you acheive the success you desire...

Swamped....Overwhelmed.... 911.... Shout Out to Live Out Loud Coach!

I am completely swamped and overwhelmed with work to do. I don't know where to start. I am getting paralyzed by the enormous amount to do.

I emailed my coach this morning. I need help breaking it down and coming up with a plan of attack to get everything successfully done.

If you don't already have a Live Out Loud Millionaire Coach it is a lifesaver! I have relied on my for the past couple months since starting this journey with Loral and her team.

The coaching is a crucial part of your success. The wisdom and knowledge they share with you is incredible. They go thru extensive training with Loral personally. They are there to mirror what Loral teaches and to support, encourage and to coach you as Loral would.

911..... Waiting for my LOL coach to call...... I need help.... Urgently.....

Super Charged with Adrenaline...

It has been an exhausting 3 days. It feels good to be able to take a moment to enjoy my success from the Live Out Loud - Cash Machine Workshop with Loral. I feel so excited and my insides are super charged with adrenaline racing in me.

My family is proud of me and that feels great. Greg has told me a few times he is proud and he is excited about getting his own Cash Machine going. Only one of us could go due to child care. He stayed home and worked out of the house while taking care of the kids. Hopefully he noticed how challenging it can be to juggle everything and take care of everyone needs.

I am still in "awe" over the weekend. Loral completely amazed me. I really didn't know what to expect going into the workshop. I had never heard of Loral Langemeier or Live Out Loud prior to the Dr Phil show.

Today I am going to lay out my game plan and plan out my week. I have so much to do and so little time. On top of starting my Cash Machine I have to work on getting rid of half of our stuff and organize it and start planning a garage sale. I also have to work on getting our stuff packed up getting ready for the move. Not to mention I have 4 kids that I take care of 95% of the time and 3 our in school with homework and projects and finals coming up for Brandan. No pressure, no stress....

It is very overwhelming..... but it is also SO EXCITING! I am making money, CASH! I have made enough money that we can pay the deposit for the apartment and the first month's rent! That is such an enormous relief... All because of Loral and the whole Live Out Loud team....

My Cash Machine is waiting for me to make it explode so I can be the next millionaire Loral has created!

DAY 3 - CASH MACHINE WORKSHOP.... READ ALL ABOUT IT..... MONEY, MONEY, MONEY!

Today was a complete rush of positive energy. I have it exploding inside myself. I want to run the streets and scream at the top of my lungs and let all the negative go... be free.... I am back! I feel alive inside again...

Today I saw so much excitement, so many tears of joy, so many smiles of relief and best of all smiles of "hope"..... Hope is one of many things I am so grateful for today, I keep mentioning that word because it is a defining thing that once it is lost you lose your way, you lose your dreams, you lose yourself. Today I am so full of hope!

MY GOAL FOR THE CASH MACHINE WORKSHOP WAS TO MAKE $5000.

MY SET GOAL : $5000 IN 3 DAYS

MY GRAND TOTAL
FOR
THE CASH MACHINE WORKSHOP
IN 3 DAYS WAS.......

I AM EXCITED, ARE YOU EXCITED?
************ DRUM ROLL***************

$5550. IN 3 DAYS!

It is possible! I am still shocked. I cant believe I made that much money in just 3 days. Do you know what this means for my family? We will have a place to call home. A roof over our head and a place to be together and to rebuild and grow from this experience. It is the biggest relief I could ever feel right now.

I am so full of gratitude right now, it is overwhelming. I feel like I have 300 new friends and a unbelievable team of support behind me in the Live Out Loud Community. In addition to having incredible support from my Coach, Mark Nichols. I cant say enough about the coaches at Live Out Loud. It is crucial for success. They help lead and guide you along the journey with what Loral has taught you.

There was a guy there that made over $8000 in the 3 days. It was crazy. There were several people who made $3000 to $4000. Many people made over $1000. There were people there who never had made a dollar on their own before. It was exciting to see people grow and explode with determination and desire.

We all left there with a plan, a plan of action. A clear picture of our Cash Machine. With a revenue model in place and goals and projections of money to make. It was exhilarating.

Unbelievable statistics 100% of the room made money this past 3 days. That is huge, 100%. That is how good Loral is.

Loral was coaching and leading people and watching the transformations that were taking place in people. Several people at the end were very emotional and expressed how this past weekend had changed them and changed their life's. It was so moving and touching. I personally went up to Loral and thanked her. It seemed so little to say the words "thank you" for all that I felt inside.

I am still so impressed and I guess in awe over how available she is to people. She is extremely approachable and sincere. She is so "real". She worked the room with that same presence with everyone. She made you comfortable and made you believe, believe in yourself and all that you can do.

This has definitely been of the best experiences in my life. I have so much hope and so many dreams today as I type this. I have a plan of action now and I am ready to make money and ready to move forward and ready to be free from all the negative things that have occurred. I am ready to move forward now. I think I am even ready to say good bye to our home and be "okay" with it. It is not an easy thought to lose your home to foreclosure. I have been fearing the day I have to walk out of my house for the last time. It has been building up in me over the last couple months, hanging over my head.

To feel free and to feel ready to move forward is amazing. It still stinks, no doubt about it but my focus today is not the past and what I have lost or where I have been my focus today is where I am going and using my positive energy into my Cash Machine and making money!

CASH MACHINE - DAY 2 ---- LEARNING TO ASKING FOR THE MONEY..... I HAVE MADE $2300 IN 2 DAYS AT THE CASH MACHINE WORKSHOP!!!

I just home from day 2 of the Live Out Loud Cash Machine Workshop.... This is INCREDIBLE! I cant begin to tell you the difference in me from yesterday to today. This is such a transforming experience. Getting out of the W-2, Corporate America mentality and moving into a creating wealth and creating financial freedom. I feel free. I feel inspired. I feel hopeful and excited about what tomorrow brings, where I will be in a year. I am excited about my future! What a gift. What a gift Loral gives you! This has been one of the best experiences of my life.

READY for the best part as my count day to being homeless draws closer and needing to make fast quick cash...... Today I used the tools Loral has been teaching and learned how to ask for the money. (Asking for the money is a term used to close the deal, close the sale... For some it is really stepping out of their comfort zone and learning how to make a sale. Loral really walks you thru the process and works with individuals who are struggling with the concept of asking for money. The thought is if they cant do it here they wont be able to outside of the workshop. She really cares about giving each person the tools to succeed way beyond the Cash Machine Workshop, that is why it is so important to be able to learn how to make a sale and ask for the money before you leave the workshop.)

TODAY MY TOTAL CASH MADE IN 2 DAYS IS..... $2300! Almost enough to have a home for my family and get the apartment on the 15th exactly one week away from today, the count continues. I have a choice to make it happen or to sit and weep about my circumstances. I am making it happen!

Can you believe I made $2300 in just 2 days! I am in disbelief. I saw so many people making money today. The room was full of excitement and energy. I had my adrenaline racing throughout the whole day with excitement and positive energy surrounding me. It was Incredible!

Loral continues to amaze me and everyone else in the room. Something she said today really sticks out in my mind that people don't always see. Our world is so focused on debt. Debt, Debt, Debt. Reducing Debt and working hard at your W-2 job to get out of debt. Most financial experts in today's media for example Suze Orman or Dave Ramsey focus on debt. Loral is the opposite, her focus is on wealth, creating cash. This is why America needs Loral and the Live Out Loud Team, America already has the debt, people need to learn the tools how to make more money and how to create wealth!

In a years time if you stick with your W-2 job and only focus on getting out of debt and plug away each month to pay a little extra to reduce the debt, a year later you only have one thing less debt or no debt. You have not created any wealth. If you take Loral's approach and put your focus and your positive energy on creating wealth and making cash, in a year you will have created wealth and the debt is not an issue it is either non existent or reduced significantly but you will have created wealth and cash and have a cash machine making money for you whether it is passive income or not. You are creating income, building wealth. What a simple concept that goes missed. Focusing on creating wealth and making money is a positive energy you give yourself.

Simply put focus on debt and that is all you will have, focus on creating cash and you will have cash and be able to pay the debt off and have cash in the bank to play with. Are you ready to play?

Loral is brilliant. Her ideas and her lessons and tools are simple. They are not hard to learn or to apply, you just haven't been taught them until you go to the workshop. I strongly encourage you to go to liveoutloud.com and see upcoming events and look for the an upcoming Cash Machine Workshop. There were people from all over the US and Canada at the workshop.

Another thing I noticed was how diverse the group of people were at the Cash Machine Workshop. Young and old, all different races. It was very cool, people coming together with one thing in common.... MAKE MONEY, MAKE QUICK CASH!

I cant wait to go back tomorrow. On the 3rd day they open up the "Market Place". A time to market your Cash Machine and make lots of money!!!! My goal is to make a total of $5000. by the end of tomorrow! I can do it, yes I can. I am worth it! That is another Loral lesson. You can do it, You are worth it! Let's Go...........

I JUST MADE $500. CASH TODAY!!! DAY 1 - CASH MACHINE WORKSHOP

I am so EXCITED right now! I just got home it has been an unbelievable day. Today I had the incredible opportunity to go to Loral's Cash Machine Workshop. I wasnt sure what to expect. I was impressed with Loral prior to going to today's event but today Loral blew my mind!

She is incredible. I think one of her best assets is she is "real". She is full of knowledge and knows what she is doing but she has an unique ability to be able to reach people and teach and coach others her knowledge and lead people. She has the ability to get people out of their comfort zone and get real with themselves. I saw so many people today have their "aha" moment and work on building their cash machine and get out of the W-2 world.

The room was full of approximately 325 people. Another surprise today's workshop was very interactive with the people. It was not just Loral talking and we listen. You could ask questions and have live feedback. Loral made herself available to the people. She is extemely hands on with everyone. The whole team at Live Out Loud was available to everyone. It was amazing, it really was. I had so much fun!

She was funny and witty and not in the least boring. I learned so much today and are you ready for the best part of today is that (drum roll, please) ....... I MADE $500. CASH TODAY! $500 IN ONE DAY! YAHOOOOOO!!!

Tonight we had a VIP dinner you could choose to purchase and eat dinner with Loral. There were approximately 75 people there. Loral worked the room with elegance and class. She then took center stage and allowed everyone to ask questions. She spent the time with everyone and allowed everyone to get to know her. We even got a chance to meet her beautiful little girl Tristan! She is a cutie! Too Cute for Words... :)

I think the thing I am most amazed at his her authenticity and her sincerity with people. They are many people in today's room that are in similar situations as my family and she cares, she truly cares. She loves what she does and it is obvious her mission is to make a difference in people's life.

I can honestly say with all my heart she has changed me and has changed my life and has given me a gift I have not had in a long time, hope. Hope, so simple but so hard to have sometimes. I have dreams again, I can see them clearly now. I lost myself along the way, I gave up on me, I lost my dreams, and I stopped believing in me until today. I am dreaming, I am believing, I am dreaming BIG! Thank you, Loral.

******** I MADE $500 CASH TODAY! I AM SO EXCITED! I CANT BELIEVE IT, I CANT WAIT TO GO BACK TOMORROW! ********

Race... for Cash....

We put down a $150. deposit for an apartment today. The apartment wont be ready until 11/12 we have until then to come up with an additional $2100. for move in.

Yikes! I have 9 days to make cash for the move in. Major pressure! I am very nervous. I have to work night and day non stop right now.

Hard to do with 4 kids and school. Just taking care of the basic needs of four other people is time consuming in itself.

CASH MACHINE STARTS TOMMORROW!!!

Sold... Creating Cash.... Cash Machine Coming Up....

I sold some more things today! I sold my friends furniture today!!! I made $400! Whoo Hoo!

It feels great! Keep creating cash! Mind Set...

I also sold some old purses I had off of Craigslist for an additional $40! Total made today $440!

Go, Brandy! Go, Brandy! Go, Brandy!

Okay so I am feeling pretty good today. Making Money just feels good!

The Count Down has Begun... 29 Days

The countdown until we have to be out of the house has begun. We have 29 days. I am freaking out.

I did get a major relief today. I talked with my Dad today about our situation and he will co-sign for us to be able to get a place.

Before my car broke down we were looking at renting a house on our same street. That would have been the best case scenario for the kids.

After the car repair cost we are now looking at moving into an apartment close by so the kids can stay in their school.

The deposit is alot less. The one thing about a apartment is you have to have good credit to get approved.

Thankfully my Dad is willing to co-sign for us. I am hoping to get this settled this week. I will feel so much better when we officially have a place to live.

Right now it is just scary. My focus is still creating cash. Sell, Sell. Sell... work my virtual assignments and get the time in there...

CASH MACHINE IS IN JUST A FEW DAYS! That is so exciting!

Happy Halloween......... Car is Fixed.....

I got my car back today... It cost over a little over $2000. Timing couldnt be worse. I just need to create more cash, simple.

My debt and monthly obligations would not be such a problem if I had more cash flow coming in.

Work harder, work longer, work better....

This weekend I am hoping to get alot of things done.

We sold a pressure washer today for $175. cash! That felt great! I have several other tools and household items listed on Craigslist.

I am meeting with a woman tommorrow who wants to buy a couple purses from me off of Craigslist.

I really think it is a mind set, create cash, create wealth... I am slowing getting there...

I cant wait until next week for the CASH MACHINE WORKSHOP!!! 3 full days with Loral Langemeier the Millionaire Maker !

I am ready to be the next Millionaire!!!

Finally out of the Negative in the Postive....

Greg is finally out of the negative with the bank for his draw! This is big for us! He will bringing home his first positive check!

Of course the whole check is basically going for my car to get fixed....

BUT.... It does feel like we are on the road at least to getting out of this mess...

One of the coach's from Loral's team, Randy has helped Greg a great deal. His mentoring has been a life saver.

He has given so many simple easy ideas to Greg that have been priceless.

Creating Cash.... We are on a mission....

Cash Machine... Workshop is Coming Up!!!

The Cash Machine workshop with Loral is next week. I am so excited! Loral teaches and trains all 3 days!

I have been looking forward to this for the last two months since last the taping of the Dr. Phil show.

I got a message the other day from the Dr. Phil show's producer. They are following up with us. Trying to figure when to do another update. I really want to be in a better position before we update with America again.

I cant wait until next week for the Cash Machine Workshop! What a blessing!

Halloween Costumes... Thank God for Good Neighbors and Grandmas....

I am sitting here grateful for the many blessing I do have and sometimes seem to forget.

My good friend, my neighbor loaned me a couple costumes for Halloween. Jayde wants to be a pirate and Logan wants to be a kitty cat.

My Mom took Brandan and Savannah to get their costumes. Brandan is the Cat in the Hat! He looks so cute! It fits him perfectly. Savannah wanted to be a "nice" witch. She is an October witch, cutie pie!

I will post some pictures! They are all running around in their costumes with so much excitement for Halloween....

I got a couple calls on the furniture today. One couple is coming by tommorrow to see it. Fingers crossed.

Things have been better so far this week with Greg and I. The Halloween party helped relieve alot of the tension between us.

It does make it easier to focus and move forward getting things done and creating cash flow.

Selling Friends Furniture... Creating Cash....

Over the last several months working with Loral's team and understanding a better way to market myself and my skills and what I have to offer has helped me so much.

I got a call today from a family friend who is getting new furniture and wants to sell their old furniture which is in like new condition.

I will sell it and we split the money. I walked to their house pulling Savannah in a wagon today. (Remember my Car is in the shop) took pictures and listed the furniture on Craigslist.

They just moved and I marketed myself and told them if they needed to sell anything extra I could help them...

I would have never done that prior to the coaching I have received from Loral's team....

That has been such a blessing in this dark time.

The Nightmare Doesnt End.... Transmission Dead...

OMG.... My car died today. The transmission is gone. I was driving in the car with Savannah, I had just dropped off Logan and Jayde at Kindergarten, when my car made a really loud grinding noise and died. I just lost it. I broke down and cried like I had just lost everything. It is just to much sometimes. I had to pull myself together for Savannah and get in survival mode and get us home.

I had to walk several miles in the 90 degree weather carry Savannah on my back. We were both dying of heat and thirst.

Thankfully my Mom has AAA so I was able to get my car towed to a local transmission shop.

Timing couldnt be worse. We have to be out of our home by November 30th. The check we were counting on for a deposit for a rental on the October 31st will have to go for my car. All the money I have been making thru Ebay and Craigslist and my Virtual jobs will have to go for living expenses.

Creating Cash has never been more important than right now.

Today Brandan came home excited like Christmas. I had applied for a "free" lunch card thru the school program. I was approved and Brandan got both the "free" breakfast and lunch cards. He was so excited. He got to have Ballpark Pizza for lunch that day. He never got to buy lunch before because of the cost. It is amazing to see how going thru this makes one appreciate simple pleasures, simple blessings.

I need to have a kick ass week and make cash or I will not have a car and my family will be homeless.

No Pressure, Brandy! :)

Dreaded Halloween Party.... Unexpected Fun....

Last night we went to a Halloween party. A couple from Brandan's football team was having it. I was completely dreading it. Alot of people have seen us on the Dr. Phil show with Loral. Greg and I had a complete blow out that morning.

We got ready and in the car on the way there Greg said something like why dont we pretend we are just on a date. We dont have any of the other crap going on. Just have fun, simple.

A few hours into the party I found myself having a great time. Nobody was bringing up the Dr. Phil show. It has been a long time since I have had a great time out. Much needed for Greg and I.

Today I am going thru our garage and sorting boxes and cabinets of stuff to sell. I am making piles of things to sell for Ebay, Craigslist and Garage Sale. I am planning on having a garage sale in a couple weeks.

Today I will putting together more things for my Ebay Assistant to sell. She will be picking up a few boxes tommorrow.

Create Cash.... Mind Set....

Early Morning... Big Blow Out... Feeling Its Over...

A couple hours ago Greg and I had a major blow out. Around 5 am I got up, couldnt sleep. Greg got up and was getting ready to go to Starbucks to work.

It had been a very tense week between the two of us. Not much talking all week long. Last night I mentioned getting another job again, he ignored me. There was a posting on Craigslist for Christmas Light Installer nights and weekends. $100-$150 cash paid daily. Perfect, right?

I emailed Greg the posting and told him he should call the guy. Saturday morning we were talking about his work and how it is going etc. I mentioned again the job and everything blew up!

We fought it out for a couple hours while the kids slept. It got ugly. I hate fighting, I hate confrontation, I hate conflict. It makes me feel horrible inside.

Nothing was resolved from it either. Bottom line is he will not get another job, it is a dead issue. A month and a half ago he said on National Tv (the Dr Phil Show) he was going to and told Loral's team our coaches he would. It is not going to happen. Deal with it, Brandy I think that is what I was told.

Very frustrating. Not that I thought it was going to be easy. It wouldnt because he is working really long hard hours it is just something that needed to be done, simple.

He strongly feels like it would affect his job at the mortgage bank.

I dont know what to do... I dont think either of us feels very hopeful right now with our marriage. We are not on the same page. I look at my kids and feel so much saddness and so much guilt for what they are going thru and for the mess we have created.

I hate fighting.... I hate it... I feel so sad and so awful inside.... Money Troubles Suck...

Ebay Trader Assistant.... Make Money....

I am meeting today with an Ebay Trader Assistant. I need help with selling my stuff on Ebay. I have boxes and boxes of the kids outgrown clothes.

The Ebay Assistant is coming over and picking up the clothes and will go home and take pictures and list the "lots" of clothes on Ebay.

We split the money from the auction. I am great at listing on Ebay but with the clothes it is very time consuming and right now I dont have the time to do it. I just need to get it done and make money.

Things at home are very stressful. We have no money our internet got shut off. I just got it turned back on by post dating a check payment. We have no cable tv right now, cant even get local channels.

There is still major tension between Greg and I. I hate it. It makes me feel awful inside. Halloween is coming up and I still dont have any costumes for the kids. It is only a week away.

Feeling Lonely....

I am feeling overwhelmed and lonely. We have no connection right now. We hardly talk really during the week. I am going thru one of the worst times in my life and I have never felt more alone than I do right now.

I am working on my "virtual" jobs and working late in the night. I am excited at the potential there is to grow. I am growing more and more frustrated daily by all the obstacles that keep my away from my potential. I feel like my "job" my work doesnt matter to Greg. I get no help or support with the house or kids. I am juggling so much on my plate right now.

There are sadly many times I just want to get in the car and drive away. I couldnt be away from my kids a few days here and there to myself would be great. I miss having time to myself. I miss enjoying a partner. I miss compainship. I miss smiling and laughing. I miss being happy.

Stay Positive, Keep Moving Forward and Appreciate all the Blessings Around Me....

Marriage in Major Distress....

Tension is really big right now with Greg and I. We are not on the same page. I cant stand he still goes to Starbucks and spends $3 to $4 dollars. That is a meal for our family of 6!

It makes me so angry inside. I am going crazy. We are not communicating. We cant talk about money it just creates a fight. We are in the financial struggle and we arent working together.

He completely refuses to get another job to work on the weekends or evenings. I know he is working hard at the bank and working long hours but he is not making hardly any money. Not enough for us to live on.

I am like a single parent to our 4 kids. I have them 99% of the time and their needs are my responsibilty.

I am working hard and working late at night when the kids are in bed. It is not easy but it is what has to be done.

If Greg would go out and get a job like he told Loral and her team he would do we wouldnt be hurting so bad financially. A couple hundreds more a month would be huge right now. Our gas wouldnt have gotten shut off.

He just got paid a couple days ago. The check is $824. every two weeks. It is a "draw". That is $1650 a month for a family of 6 in Orange County, Southern California.

The check he just got is almost gone. We had to pay electric, car payment, water, internet, cell phone and refuel both our gas tanks and buy some groceries. It is almost gone and 12 days before he gets paid again.

I am angry. I want him to go get another job. I am not saying working two jobs would be easy. It is just what has to be done right now.

I dont know if our marriage will make it thru this. The only time I feel any hope is when we go to church on Sundays.

I clearly understand why money is the number one reason for divorce.

I wish things were different. I miss my husband. I miss what we once had. I feel like I have lost everything I once knew life to be.

Loral's Team.... Hope... Faith.... Belief in Myself....

I am working with Loral's team and it is been incredible. I find myself finding hope following my conversations with my coach's. Today is a great example. I was not looking forward to talking with our coach "Mark". Within 5 minutes of being on our conference call I was fired up and recharged with hope and determination of what I need to do and need to get done.

I can sit here and feel overwhelmed and sorry for myself or I can put all the fire I have inside and kick ass and make cash.

I am selling on Ebay and Craigslist. I have many things in my house we dont need or dont use. I am working with a couple companies and doing "virtual" work for them.

I can do this, I cant give up and I cant stop believing in myself...

Greg Getting Loans... Working Hard

Greg has been working really hard and long hours. He is hoping to close 3 to 4 loans this month. All the loans he is getting is purchases for bank owned properties.

It is hard to think soon there will be a repo sign in our yard and our home will be listed for sale as a bank owned property.

Sad... Moving forward.... Cant look back....

Today is a good day. I am getting things sold. I made an extra $275 dollars selling on Ebay his past week. I sold a couple "lots" of kids clothes and some dvd's and kids toys! Yahoo!!!

Making Money Never Felt So Good!

I need to get completely dialed in with my Cash Machine and get cranking....

Gas Turned Off....

Well today was another low point. Our gas got turned off today. We were unable to make a payment. I called them and they wont be able to come out until Friday. Today is Monday. No hot showers, no drying machine for the wash and no cooking on the stove.

Not sure what we are going to do. I think we can manage to go up to the pool and take a shower there in a bathing suit. I am in survival mode. I can cook with skillet, microwave and bbq. I think I also hav a plug in stove top used for camping I can use to cook with. As far as laundry goes I think I am going to ask a neighbor if I can use their dryer. I really only need 2 or 3 loads done this week.

Now the really hard part will be explaining this to my kids why we are showering at the pool with our swimsuits on in October.

I sit here typing this with tears rolling down my cheeks. I think back to the life I used to have. I have to move forward and not look back. Today is today and getting thru today makes me one day closer to something better.

Fear... Panic... Completely Overwhelmed....

I am ingulfed with fear. I am in panic of being "homeless" with my kids. The time is drawing closer and closer to our final day in our home.

The everday stress of mananging my 4 kids and their school work and managing the house and all the cooking, cleaning. The stress of the lack of money needed each month to just pay the basic needs, food, utilities is overwhelming.

I am struggling right now with being sick with strep throat. Jayde is getting sick too. There is no "sick" time for moms.

I am overwhelmed....

Dr. Phil Show... Meeting Loral Langemeier... Finding Help and Hope in a Dark Time

Today the second Dr. Phil show aired on tv. The whole thing is still hard to believe. Alot of mixed emotions came watching the show. America is extremely judgemental. I went to the message boards after the first taping aired on 9/15/08. It was brutal. So many mean, judgemental comments. We did have a few neighbors put in a nice message about out family.



So much of our story was not aired. Who knows maybe I would have been judgemental if I watched the story that aired. It was a show about money. It was not a show about the hardships we have endured or the daughter who has had 9 surgeries and spent the first two years of her life in the hospital fighting for life. That was the reason for the refinancing, medical debt, not being able to work due to being in the hospital. I also have had a few physically tough years. I have had 6 surgeries in two years.



Looking at today we are blessed. We have our health. Jayde is doing incredible. We have been blessed with the Dr. Phil show and meeting Loral Langemeier. Loral is a best selling author and the founder of the Live Out Loud company. I immediately liked Loral upon meeting her. She is just "real". Very easy to like, very warm and extremely sharp!



Reality is hard for us right now. We are losing every part of the life we were living. Our marriage is completely different. It is a constant struggle. The stress of our finances and the stress of losing everything and the stress of providing and feeding our kids and the stress of making money is killing our relationship. Not having the tiime to spend together and enjoy each other is another killer on our marriage. I really miss my husband. Sounds crazy because I see him everyday but I dont see the man I fell in love with, the man who used to make me smile and laugh. I see a very cold, grumpy man who is very unhappy most of the time.



Our home got foreclosed on the day after the first taping. It was sold back to the bank 8/13/08. It is very scary the possiblity of our family being homeless. The financial everyday struggles is exhausting. I am constantly thinking and worrying about, keeping utilities on, having gas in my car, food to feed my family. It takes so much work when you have little to no money. It is a juggling act. Constant stress. I lay awake many nights unable to sleep.



Come along with this journey with me and let me share the help my famliy receives and the progress we are making....

Logan's Birthday!

Today is Logan's Birthday. It is hard to believe she is 6 years old today. My mom met us at Toys R Us this morning. Logan was able to pick out a few things. I took them home and wrapped them.

Tonight all our neighbors joined in a pot luck for Logan's birthday celebration. I made a cake. We got a surprise delivery from the Dr. Phil show today with flowers and some balloons and a super cute pink ty doggie that she can play online! I feel so grateful.

Afterwards Logan got to open her presents. Our neighbors are such great friends we are so lucky. Logan got some really neat presents. She had a wonderful birthday. My heart is soaring with gratitude and happiness.

Happy Birthday Baby Girl!

Still in Disbelief....

I still cant believe in a few days we will be in the studio meeting Dr. Phil. We are airing all our dirty laundry in front of America.

We dont really know what to expect. They dont give you alot of information up front. We have been working with Loral already giving her and her team all our financial information.

She is the real deal. She is very kind, very sharp. Listening to her talk, I feel so thankful for this opportunity.

Last weekend at church I was overwhelmed with gratitude and was filled up with tears. I am so thankful for the opportunity we are getting. I realize there are many. many families in similar or worst situations.

I am feeling very grateful, very excited and very scared... Overwhelmed with emotion.

Long Emotional Day.... Cant Believe We Are Doing This in Front of America....

Yesterday was a very long day of filming for the show. They got here around 9:00 am and didnt leave until almost 9:00 at night.

Kids were excited to have the crew here. Heck I think the whole neighborhood was. They filmed out in front of our home. All the neighbors stood around and watched.

It was very emotional all day. We finally got to meet the Dr. Phil financial expert, Loral Langemeier.

I immediately loved her. She was very warm and personal. She was "real" not fake. We both really liked her. I felt hopeful just talking with her.

I really feel like there is hope for us and feel like we might be "okay" whatever that means.

It is still a daily struggle to just put food on the table and keep the lights on.

They have scheduled August 12th (Greg's Birthday) for the taping of the show in the studio audience and for us to meet Dr. Phil.

Tommorrow... Big Day... Not Sure What to Expect....

Tommorrow the crew will arrive around 9:00 am. Not sure what to expect. Very nervous.

I have my clothes planned. They told us solid colors not pastel and no labels or logos. We are susposed to have 3 to 4 outfits ready.

My neighbor loaned me a couple shirts. Our friend Shahna highlighted and trimmed our hair a couple days ago for us. She has been so wonderful and so giving. We have bartered services with her to get our hair done.

Dont think I will sleep much tonight. We havent really told anyone about this. A few neighbors know because they have seen the cameras in our home. We both just told our families a few days ago.

They are kinda shocked and in disbelief. Wish us luck tommorrow.....

Logan's 6th Birthday.... Making My Heart Hurt.....

Logan's 6th birthday is in five days. I dont have a single thing for her. I am not sure what I am going to do. I am trying to sell some things right now to get a little money together to be able to get her a few thing.

I think my mom might be able to help with a couple presents. I am thinking of throwing a little party (really a pot luck with neighbors) for a birthday celebration for her.

I feel so sick to my stomache right now. She is so sweet. She is so excited for her birthday it is killing my heart everytime I listen to her talk about her birthday with so much excitement....

I feel so sad inside.

Dr. Phil Show.......... Here We Come!

We have been sending in the home video tapes and we just got word we are picked for the show! This is so very exciting! We havent been told who the financial expert is yet but just that she is amazing. They are planning on coming to our home for a full day of taping on August 6th.

The financial expert will meet us then.

The Dr. Phil Show.... WOW ..... A simple email in the middle of the night a couple of weeks ago has led to this!

What a blessing, This is so Crazy. Very surreal.

Cameras are Being Installed in our Home for the Dr Phil.....

I got a call today from Sheryl. They want to come tommorrow and install a couple cameras in our home to give them a better idea what is going on with Greg and I.

I am in utter disbelief. This kinda thing just doesnt happen. I guess there will be a camera in the kitchen dining room area and one in our bedroom. Two places we spend the most time at.

It is a little nerve racking to think of cameras in your home recording you. If this can bring help to our family anything would be worth it at this point.

I love my kids so much it hurts me so deeply to see the situation we have put them in...

I pray all the time maybe this is an answer to my prayers.

Dr. Phil Show..... Looking Really Good......

Today we were in constant contact with their team. Answering questions giving them all our information and more photos.

This is looking really good. They are really nice and seem to really want to help our family.

Exciting Crazy Day....

Okay so today I get a call from a (323) area code. I dont answer it in fear of it being a medical collection.

I get a call from Greg and he asks me what he heck is going on with the Dr. Phil Show. They called him on his cell phone!

I didnt even give them his number. He told me he talked with the producer and he was going to come home early so we could do a phone interview together with them this afternoon....

This is so unbelievable. I check my email and find an email requesting me to call Sheryl or Beth the producers. I call and talk with them and ask how they got Greg's cell phone number. I was told they are "Paramount" Pictures! Crazy!

Sheryl and Beth were extremely nice and warm and funny to talk to. They really seemed interested in our family.

I am praying with all my heart that this could be a gift of hope for our family.

Dr. Phil ----- Emailed More Photos....

The producer emailed me again with more questions and requesting more pictures...

This is CRAZY!!! I havent even had a chance to tell Greg yet. I havent hardly seen him. I was tired last night I forgot when he got home.

Another Tough Day.... with a Strange Twist.....

Today was tough day. It started out bad. Greg and I fighting over money and the lack of it....

I dont know what we are going to do.... The kids and I ate top roman all weekend long, literally while he ate out all weekend long down in San Diego. I am so upset and angry. We have $40.00 in our checking account and his Mom gives him $100. and he spends almost $30 eating out last night.

The kids and I have been with so little food eating almost only top roman for three days straight.

I am boiling inside.....


Now for the strange part.....

I got an email from the Dr. Phil show. They asked a few questions and want me to email them a bunch of photos of our family...

Kinda crazy, uh? I emailed them some pictures. Well see what happens. I never expected to get a response.

Life has to get better, each day that passes puts me and the kids one step closer to a happier better time...

Sleepness Night........ Awake with my mind racing.....

I couldnt sleep last night. I went to the Dr. Phil website in the middle of the night. It was kinda strange there was a flashing thing saying housing market ruined you financially, marriage in trouble.

I clicked on it and typed a small summary of our story. I dont know why really... Never done anything like that before.

It is so hot and so uncomfortable.... I keep putting the girls in a cold bath to cool them off. I miss air conditioning.... I cant afford to have my electric bill a dollar higher so it wont be coming on....

Bad Day.... No Hope... Desparate for Change.....

Today has just been a bad day. Greg is in San Diego for the weekend working with his friend. Greg is showing his friend open houses for sale in the area.

Things are tense and uncomfortable between us. There is no money. We have very little food to eat in the house. Tonight several neighbors all pitched in for pizza hut. I had to take my kids inside and eat a Cup of Noodles in 90 degree weather. It was hard. Brandan understands and wont push. The girls dont understand. Where are house sits we are right in the middle on both sides of our neighbors. Our driveway is the meeting place for everyone.

The Ice Cream man came around shortly later to top it off, again my kids were the only ones not able to get the ice cream. They were so good about it. I think the better they are the more it hurts my heart.

I am so frustrated. I want to just go out and get a job. I cant without Greg's help. I need him to watch the kids. I want so badly to get a job in the evening. Greg is not supportive of the idea. We have been fighting about it for the last couple months. He thinks it will bring chaos to our lives..... HELLO..... our life is already chaotic....

Feeding our family is a priority and having basic utilities is a need. I am so frustrated and so sad inside....

I am very unhappy and very overwhelmed. I feel like a failure and I feel like my kids deserve better than this, than me as a mom.....

Grateful for My Wonderful Neighbors....

I woke up last night again throwing up violently in the bathroom The stress is eating me up. It is getting harder and harder to function. I hardly recognize myself when I look in the mirror. I miss laughing. I used to be happy.

Our neighbors and friends have been wonderful. The kids loving playing out front in the late afternoon. It is cooler outside and our house is so hot. Our neighbors come out and all the kids play. It is a nice break from reality sometimes. Sometimes I find it really hard to come out and put a happy face on and pretend like I am okay when really inside I feel like the biggest loser and I have failed my 4 kids whom I love the most in this world. There are days it is hard to pick my head up.

Sell, Sell, Sell... Urgency is Huge....

I am in a major panic today. I need to sell things fast and make enough money to pay our electric and to put some gas in Greg’s car and buy some groceries.

Cabinets are getting bare. I cant believe how much Brandan is eating. He just turned 13 and is growing so fast right now. He constantly tells me he cant get “full”. He is always hungry.

Today’s gratitude is being thankful for the .99 cents store. It has changed our life. My family is able to eat better and have more food to eat. Cooking all three meals a day is so much work not buying convience high cost food.

I make a box of pancake/waffle mix ($1.24 at Walmart) and can make 25 big thick waffles. Yes it take over an hour to do it. I then feed my kids and put 2 in a Ziploc bag and freeze them. One of my kids favorites in the morning was Eggos Waffles. Cant afford those now. I freeze the left over waffles and pull them out and put them in the toaster like Eggos. They are incredible good, I think they are even better! My kids love them!

I am working all afternoon on going thru the house and listing things on Craigslist and Ebay.

Wish Me Luck… I need it!

Huge Blow Out, Worn Out and Overwhelmed....

I have been working non stop for the last 24 hours. I have gotten enough money together for the electric bill. The tension between Greg and I is big. He is so frustrated at the situation. I don’t know how he expects it to be different. He is bringing in from his draw, $800 every 2 weeks. He has to drive all around for his job. Gas is killing us. His cell phone is expensive for his job and he also has to have wireless connection for his laptop for his job. He is spending $1000. of the money he is bringing in on his work expenses. Leaving us with $600 for utilities, food, gas, and medication. Medication alone is close to $200. a month.

It is incredibly stressful. He gets angry and it comes off at me. I am so frustrated. We have had a ongoing issue that is a continuous fight. I want to get a job in the evening to help us. He is not supportive of it. He thinks it will bring chaos to our life. HELLO… Not having enough money to keep lights on and to feed our kids is more chaos than any job could be.

I feel so frustrated and stuck. I need him to be on board. I cant afford to hire someone to watch the kids.

We just had a bad blow out. It just leaves me feeling sad and empty inside. I feel so worn out and so emotionally overwhelmed. I am really scared. Brandan told me this morning he is scared and that he just tries to hide it. It breaks my heart. I have let him down and have brought so much stress and chaos into his innocent life. He should only be concerned about being a teenager not all this other stuff.

A Good Day...

My kids had so much fun today at the pool. I have missed seeing them smile so much. I also had a great time. It was nice to be “out” and be free of all the “stress” and “worries” being in the house generates.

My kids never enjoyed the pool like they did today. There are many positive things that have come from this incredible hard journey. I appreciate all the small things that were over looked before. Brandan really understands the concept of money and appreciates everything that comes his way whereas before it would have gone unnoticed.

My girls were so thankful today. On the way home Jayde told me thank you over and over and told me how much fun she had.

It gave me a warm feeling inside. I have missed them so much. I am thankful for today.

Torn... Between Two Important Needs....

Things only seem to continue to get worse and any hope that is there is fading fast. I feel so sad and so overwhelmed with guilt over my kids. Every day I am working so hard on just surviving and making money it is consuming me. My kids especially my girls ask me daily are we going to do something fun today. They want to go to the park the pool. I am taking them to the pool tomorrow for the first time this summer. In Orange County especially where we live there are many communities pool that are free.

My kids are very excited. It hasn’t been much of a summer so far. Greg is not happy with me taking the kids tomorrow. I “should” be working around the house working on making money. The kids have needs too. I cant always put them aside. I was never that kind of mom. I love to play with them, I used to enjoy it so much.

I have four days to figure out how to come up with enough money to pay our electric bill or it will get shut off. Maybe I should stay home. I am torn. My kids are going stir crazy being in the house all day.

Things have got to get better, someway. I find myself praying many times every day.

The Real Story of the Everyday Life of a Orange County Family Struggling to Keep Everything but Losing it All....

I lay awake at night most nights unable to sleep. My heart races and pounds hard in my chest. I constantly feel like I have a "race" going on inside of me. The anxiety, the stress brings panic attacks that last sometimes for hours. I feel like a complete failure. I have failed my kids, my responsibilities. I sit and think of the road and the path my life has taken and the choices and hardships my family have endured. There are days it is a struggle to get up and face the day and put a "smile" on my face and pretend everything is going to be okay for my kids. This is a real story of a good family who is on the brink of losing everything.

Six years ago we were making a great income. My husband Greg and I are in the mortgage industry. I have worked in this field for the past sixteen years. Life was good. We had a son Brandan seven years old at the time and just had a baby girl Logan. We purchased our home in October of 2002. First home for both of us. Life was great. We were working hard doing mostly mortgage refinances. We took a lot of pride in the loans and the service we gave our borrowers. It paid off for us. We lived by personal attention and taking care of the customer and building relationships. We took great pride in it. Eventually it became all our business repeat and referral. We choose to make less money on a deal and build the relationship with the customer.
There are a lot of loan sharks that took advantage of alot of people and did alot of bad loans.

We moved into the new house and worked slowly to furnish it and make it our own. We were extragtravegate. Our home stayed pretty bare for a long time.

We were blessed to find out we were expecting another baby shortly after the first Christmas in the new house. Work, family, kids were all going great, we were so blessed and so thankful for the blessings we had.

Our 2nd daughter Jayde was born 2 months premature. She was not sucking and swallowing right in the womb. I was huge! I was struggling to breathe easy because of all the extra fluid. They drained two 2 liters of fluid from my belly. They gave me steriods to mature Jayde's lungs. They were going to have to induce labor because the flood would reaccumlate in a couple days making it hard for me to get air and breathe. The fluid was so excessive it was not allowing me to breathe without a pant and my lungs were working so hard to get air. Not a good situation.

We had faith in God and prayed for Jayde the night before they induced labor. It was quite a scary time for our family. Jayde was also in a breech position. They were going to try to perform a transversion and rotate her. Logan was only ten months. They were going to be 12 months apart. We thought that was close, imagine 10 months apart!

The delivery went well and Jayde's lungs were mature enough to breathe on her own. It was a very different birth of a baby. Not being able to hold your baby and having your new baby rushed away. It was hard.

I could probably go on for hours of all we our family endured in the next two years with Jayde's health problems and many many surgeries. I will try to sum them up in a few paragraphs.

Jayde struggled to thrive from birth. She was unable to gain weight and was very weak. We were constantly in the hospital. At three months old they palced a feeding tube in her tummy. She was throwing up all she was intaking. Unfortately that did not help Jayde. She continued to throw up the food thru the tube. It is hard to put into words what our family was going thru. Doctors, Doctors, Doctors, Tests and they were struggling to figure out what was wrong with Jayde. She was not gaining any weight and not growing. She was very frail and thin.

The nights were sleepless. Jayde was in constant pain with severe reflux. A cry I will never forget. A cry of pain. It was the worst feeling of helpless a mom could feel. Greg and I switched off every hour of nighttime duty. It is hard to imagine but literally Jayde did not sleep more than 15 to 20 minutes at a time. She had to constantly eat because she retained so little nutrients with throwing up so much.

We struggled with trying to find the time or energy to work. We relied on our savings and set up a home office to work out of. We were living day by day. Jayde was getting sicker. She was fighting for life.

Jayde's first Christmas was a bare memory. I cant remember Brandan or Logan's gifts or even Christmas day.

We had a nurse come to our home 3 times a day to weigh her, check blood pressure, tempature. It was scary. I can remember very clearly watching Greg give her a bath and sit and cry because she was a bag of bones. 5lbs and six months old. I prayed and prayed and our community was so supportive and had Jayde on several pray chains. The doctors couldnt figure out what was wrong with her. She passed every test ok, metabolic, genetic, cystic fibrose. They were stumped.

January was a real turning point. Jayde was very close to dying. Her body was now unable to maintain her temparture. We had to constantly check it. Race to put blankets in the dryer to heat, hot bath, place the heater on the max setting and bundle her up to bring her temparture up. She was so thin she had no fat and her skin was paper thin. She struggled to move her arms, she was so physically weak.

We were starting to max out certain parts of our insurance. Being self employed is a down side to health insurance. Unfortunately the insurance company does not care about a single family unlike a corporation. The insurance company was also raising our monthly payments.

It is hard to explain the emotional stress and the financial stress of liquidating our savings. The hardship was felt on all of us. Brandan's needs were put on hold alot. Logan barely knew me. She would not come to me at all. I was the one who stayed with Jayde in the hospital. We were in the hospital so much. In and out, in and out.

January 20, 2005 was a day that saved Jayde's life. Jayde was very, very, gravely ill. She was becoming unresponsive to touch and sound and was incredibly weak. Our primary care doctor really saved her life. He told us to get an attorney. He was tired of fighting with the specialists who just kept dismissing my daughter and had gave up on her. We got one that afternoon and all that evening our doctor worked with the chief of staff at CHOC hospital and at 10 oclock that night we got a call from our doctor saying they were going to place a tube in her neck out her chest and feed her thru her blood stream where she was unable to throw up the nutrients. They were going to give her a special tpn treatment that was used for aids and cancer patients to help her gain weight. She flat lined twice during the surgery. She fought hard for her life. She inspired us by her strength and her will.

This hospital stay I would not come home or leave the hospital for 6 weeks. There is so much struggle and stress of this time to much to type.

They discoved Jayde had a large heital hernia. The largest for a baby her size is what we were told. That is a structural defect. Half her stomache was above her espohasgus. That is why she threw up all her intake.

They were preparing her for the next major surgery. They were planning on taking half her stomache and tying it around in a know around her esposgagus. That would make it where she would be unable to ever throw up or even burp. It was the only way to save her life. The surgery was successful the hard times were not over. It took several months for her body to adapt to her new digestive system. If you over fed her she would bead with sweat and her temparure would rise as a way to relief herself. It was scary. She had no concept of food, prior to this surgery she had to eat constantly 24/7 to survive.

Okay this is longer than I thought to explain. It is hard to sum it up. Jayde had maxed out alot of her medical policy. She had several more different kind of hernias come up that had to be surgically taken care. We had not really worked since her birth. Our savings were depleted. We decided to refinance our home and pull cash out to pay for her medical expenses and to pay for her therapy. She was placed in extensive therapy. She had not developed with the lack of strength and ability being so sick.

Our expenses at the time were high as well. Everything was "convience". I did not have the time to cook I was taking care of a sick daughter and trying to bond with my other daughter who barely knew me and trying to love and nuture my son. It was very difficult. Greg and I were close to divorce upon me leaving the hositpal after a six week stay. Looking back it was the stress of everything and the lack of sleep and the separation of not being together. I have always been a bargain shopper and not even a "mall" shopper. The first place I look is the clearance rack.

Jayde weighed in at exactly 10 lbs on her 1st birthday finally able to fit into 0-3 month clothing out of the premmie clothes. It was a big celebration for us. It was hope. Hope we had not had in a very long time.

We mangaged to get thru the next 8 months on the money we pulled out of our home and started to rebuild our business. Our savings were completely wiped out. Our medical policy continued to rise each quarter. It grew to be over $1800 a month in the next 3 years, with alot of Jayde's policy maxed out or changed.

Jayde had to have 6 more surgeries over the next two years. We had to pay a great portion of each of those surgeries.

We were blessed with another baby girl Savannah 18 months after Jayde was born. She has been a gift of god. She brought our family back together and healed us as one. There were no first smiles, laughs, etc with Jayde it was a fight for survival for life.

I also had endured my own physical hardships in the last few years. I have had 6 surgeries in the last four years one of which was stage four cervical cancer. We paid 20 percent for my surgeries out of pocket.

We had to refinance our home one more time to help with the medical costs. I dont think we had a lot of other choices at the time. Your health, your family is really in the end all you have.

The year after Savannah was born everything was great the worst was put behind us. We were happy. Life felt good, really good. It felt incredible to "relax" and not be in panic mode. We were rocking and rolling in our business and building great relationships with our borrowers and making a difference. It felt great. Money was rolling in. The mortgage balance on our home was not even a concern we were enjoying "living". Jayde was doing incredible, a true miracle from God. She was catching up and thriving.

Here is where our biggest and worst mistake would come. We were making the making the money we borrowed againist our house back and we took the money and bought a boat. A activity our whole family could do together. We were building our savings back and working hard. Business was great. Looking back in hind sight is easy. We had just been thru hell and back and it clouded our judgement in a big way. What we should have done is pay back our mortgage and reduced our balance and lowered our monthly payment to where it was originally.

2006 was a great year. Family, kids were all thriving and doing good. Greg and I were at a good spot in our marriage. October 2006 Jayde had to have another surgery again we had to pay a large sum out of pocket. In November 2006 I learned I had stage four cervical cancer and had to have surgery to remove the cancer. It took some time to recover, we had to put work on hold and take care of the health issues Jayde and I were having. Late December I threw my knee completely out and had to have reconstructive surgery. In three short months we had just spent $44,000 out of pocket medical expenses. That was coming into the year 2007 when the market would crash hard.

The $44.000 would come from our liquidating our savings account. Leaving us unprepared for the fall that was about to happen in the mortage industry.

The market took such a fast hard fall it was hard to react. We found ourselves liquidating our stocks on a low as the stock market was down, just to survive.

We really faced problems when we were unable to pay our property taxes November 2006 (from using our savings for the surgeries) our lender paid the past due amount and impounded our account and paid the April 2007 taxes due. Our mortgage payment went up$1800 with a 45 day notice. Going from $4000 to $5800. Our medical insurance policy also continued to rise.

We were making very little money. The industry was changing guidelines daily. We were working harder than ever to fund the loans we had and to create new business and to help our exsisting customers. April of 2007 I took on a job of caring for another family. Two boys and a dad who I took care of when Brandan was a baby for four year. Their mom passed away a couple years ago of cancer.

It was crazy for me. I would get up and go to their home and make breakfast and take the boys to school rush home and take my son to school, rush back and get the girls ready for preschool. I cooked all their meals, did all their grocery shopping, deep cleaned their home daily, washed and folded all their laundry. I would come home after I cooked their dinner and cleaned up and cook my dinner and clean up all over again. I also took my kids with me while I was doing all this. It was like over night I had gotten another husband, two more kids and another house to care for. I was grateful for the job. I completely love and adore the boys. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I was desparate to make money. I made $400 a week that was keeping the utilities going and food on the table. Greg was home trying to get loans. With the market changing and the home values declining so fast he was not successful in making enough money.

We started to default on our mortage six months after the impounded payment took place. We sold our boat. We had lived on one car for a couple years and bought a 10 year old Honda Civic. I gave back my suburban with four months remaining on the lease. We bought an 5 year old Ford Expedition. We were losing the life style we had and the luxeries we had in life quickly.

Another big mistake was Greg not getting another job faster. This is a sore subject for us. I was working literally 16 hours a day with no relief for months.

As we were defaulting on our mortage and becoming late we applied for a hardship and a forebeance agreement modification. At this time the mortgage companies were not staffed to handle all the applications they were receivig. It took 6 months for them to assign us a negiotator to our account. The work up plan they came up with was unrealistic for our situation. We were struggling to feed our kids to keep the lights on. Coming into 2008 it became really clear to me that things had to change fast. Greg had to get a job with benefits and be in a position to make money. I was selling items on Ebay and working for the family. I couldnt do more and we were having our electric turned off, water shut off, etc.

I stayed up late one night and applied all over for Greg. Major banks, loan originators. He immediately started to get phone calls and went out interviewing. He got a job with a big bank and started working there April 1st 2008.

He would get a "forgivable draw" first 90 days and insurance would start 30 days. Hope faintly appeared again. In the last year we had charged up $8000 in credit card debt just surviving. We had borrowed money from my father. My Dad saw how hard I was working and has been extremely supportive. My whole family has, my friends, my neighbors. It has been incredible. They have witnessed what we have gone thru in the last five years since Jayde was born. Jayde amazes so much. I still look at her and feel inspired. I hear her laugh today and no lie each time it truly makes me appreciate every day with her knowing how close we were to losing her.

In June we were considering doing a short sale on our home and leaving it behind us. The bank approved it especially with all the medical hardship our family has endured. We dont have the house listed yet but we are working on getting the house ready for it being listed and holding an open house.

Now you know why I sit here and feel like the weight of the world is on my shouders. Greg and I are not in a good spot. There is alot of tension between us. The kids have been great with all the changes. They have been hard, escpecially for Brandan. There are times we eat top roman for 2 meals of the day. I am unable to buy the healthier foods my kids are used to. Milk was manadotory at meal time it is used sparling. With gas prices so high. I am unable to drive very much.

I miss so much of my life that I have lost. I have lost my life style, our boat, our car, our freedom in a sense, my marriage, our home, air conditioning it gets so hot. We have been puting the all the mattress down stairs to sleep where it is cooler at night. What I miss most of all is my kids. I miss them so much it hurts. Sure I see them everyday, I am hardly present. I am so consumed with stress and worry I dont enjoy them. I miss the time I have lost with them. I feel like I have lost a year them in a way.

I used to be the mom who was on the floor playing, outside playing with them. I laughed with delight with them I miss feeling happy inside. I am so unhappy it hurts. I feel like I have failed my kids. I cant provide for them. I can barely feed them. I let them down and it hurts me to my core. Some bad judgement on our part is making my kids suffer and pay in the worst way. My marriage would not be where it is today with the big threat of our family splitting up. Our kids to suffer. It makes me sick to my stomache. I wake up many nights physically throwing up. It happens often at least once a week. The night time is the worst it is quiet I am left with only my thoughts (really my worries and my heart ache over the position I let myself get into and the hardships my kids are going thru)

I feel worthless right now.